ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Randomize
