she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
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