I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
