I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Randomize
