After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
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