Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
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