Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
