How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
We had sex on a dog bed..
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
