OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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