your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
