i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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