Hey man sorry I got all grabby
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
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