Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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