you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Randomize
