Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
Randomize
