Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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