One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
