Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
