Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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