Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
