Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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