You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
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