Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
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