i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
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