sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Randomize
