Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Randomize
