What did we do last night that was yellow?
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
