I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Shame is for Republicans.
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