I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Randomize
