Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
