I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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