It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
