I puked a lego.
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Randomize
