I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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