Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
