I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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