After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
