Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Randomize
