Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I AM VODKA MAN
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
