Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
