god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Randomize
