Grow some girl-balls and come out already
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Randomize
