her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
