I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Randomize
