So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
