halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Randomize
