I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
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