I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
