Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize