Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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