I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Randomize
