Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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