Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
