I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
and you said cock pushups were impossible
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Randomize
