you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
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