He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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