I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
