I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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