If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Randomize
